Philotic Web

[steph]

My c-section is scheduled for March 8th. Just under 6 weeks to go! Baby room improvements will be finished tomorrow, so I can start decorating and organizing clothes. I think I will feel ready then. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with a girl, though. My life is ALL boy, so Jan, I may need some advice! I'm a little nervous about it.
_________________
"When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time." - Jamie Cullum

[Jayelle]

Hmm, well... they still pee on you, but instead of spraying everywhere it just goes in a big puddle that soaks everything.

Also, the nice thing about girls is you can dress them in anything. People kinda frown on boys in frills, but nobody cares if you stick your daughter in overalls.

Really, I don't think it makes that big of a difference in the first few years.
_________________
One Duck to rule them all...

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[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I went for the dive, bashed my head off the diving board. Having got the job, and still keeping my vacation money I decided to book a trip for my last few days of unemployment. I realized recently that since starting at Kodak 5 years ago I've done that before starting every job, and I kinda like it. Very unlike me I booked something rather quickly without putting nearly as much research into the trip as I usually would. Packed up all my things and as I'm about to leave I remember my passport. Finally find it, realize that it's been expired for 6 months. Bullshit.

I just wanted to get away. Sit out in the sun drinking a beer. Disconnect and relax, and instead I'm stranded in Canada. Bah. I've been trying to take this vacation for a year now. I like to think this is some way of the universe telling me if I wait till the summertime I won't be vacationing alone, but I'm too much of a realist to expect something like that.

I didn't tell anyone I was going. I was going to tell a couple people, but really, I wanted to keep it to myself. Outside of the judgmental "he's not working he shouldn't be blowing his money on vacation," type responses I naturally expect from everyone; I'm just tired of the shocked responses rhetorically asking "you're going alone?" Yes, I'm going alone. I'm a f****** loser who hasn't had a date in 8 months whose very limited selection of friends happen to be perpetually broke. And I, being not broke, wanted to go away. What other option do I have?

I guess I answered my own question there - just don't go! The universe's plan for you includes freezing your nuts off alone in your apartment. I will go once I've saved up some vacation time at the new job, and it will likely be alone then too, and I will likely not tell anybody who doesn't need to know.

I know I'm a f****** loser, but I'm f****** trying, damnit. It seems like even trying makes you a f****** loser. Ever gone to a bar alone? Ever told anybody you went out to the bar alone? WHAT THE f*** AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ALONE?? Seriously.

Seriously.
_________________
Stop trying to be perfect. Focus on being you; perfect will come.

[Craig]

My wife may be pregnant... I don't know if I am happy, excited, scared, or disappointed, probably all of the above.

Funny, how a week ago I started writing a new screenplay that basically tackles those same issues (as well as a million others -- well not a million, that'd be a long movie!). Crazy how art imitates life and life imitates art and just as the shear coincidence of it all.

I think part of the reasons I'm scared, is I'm laid off right now (voluntary, be going back soon), still in school, she's part time and may be let go any day as well as also in school. We were expecting in the past too, like 3 or 4 years ago, before we lost it, but the weird thing is, we're in no better shape today than we were then. And in many ways, we're in worse shape (as far as money and that stuff goes).

So ya, I'm scared, nervous, disappointed, and excited, which as far as I can tell, is probably normal.

Salaam

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

My face hurts, as do my legs and back. Hell, my teeth hurt. My coworkers/supervisor sent me home 5 hours early from work today, after I attempted to stick it out. I only relented because tomorrow is the memorial services and I was hoping to get through this quickly.

As for the other thing, I've done all I can. It's time to let it go now.
_________________
~The best way to make it through with hearts and wrists intact is to realize two outta three aint bad-I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke~

[daPyr0x]

[Borommakot_15]

Bob,

I'm only back for one post, so don't get too excited.

I thought some PWebbers may want to know, and not have me on Facebook, so..

It is official. Cancer IS back. Major surgery soon. If you want what few details I have, feel free to ask.

I'm not really around PWeb anymore, so I won't see replies here. If you want to say or ask anything, etc, please email me.

ender1525 AT yahoo DOT com

~Boro
_________________
PWeb 2.0 Join Date:
October 19 2002, 08:01

[Luet]

Bob,

I can't sleep and I need to talk.

My mom's husband has had some sort of mental illness mixed with possible dementia for over a year now, possibly triggered by brain surgery/radiation for a tumor. He has become very emotionally and mentally abusive to her. He controls himself at work and when other people are around but when at home with her, he rages and screams and swears and says the worst things you could imagine. She makes all kinds of excuses for him, some of which might be legitimate, but I feel like I can't keep doing nothing. I mean, I listen when she vents to me daily or weekly, depending on if he's having a "good" or a "bad" spell. I'm a shoulder to cry on when she does so on a regular basis. She feels like she can't take much more but then she defends him and says he can't help it. I know if the roles were reversed and someone was doing this to me, she would move heaven and earth to protect me. She doesn't want me to say anything to him because she is terrified of him finding out that I know about his behavior. He thinks that no one knows what he is like at home. I just don't know what to do.
_________________
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus

Join date: July 2, 2000 (Pweb 1.0)

[Syphon the Sun]

Not having a good day and it's not even 11 am, yet.

Somebody slashed our front tire between 11 pm and 7 am. Whatever, I'm pissed, but I put on the spare so I can drive my wife to work and then drop the car off to get a new tire (or, really, two new tires, because I try to replace them in pairs when I'm not replacing all four).

Halfway there, the spare has a total blowout. Called the tow truck and waited forty-five minutes for them to show up. ("Express Towing" my ass.) Also called the police, as it was going to be a while and there was no shoulder as we just got hit with about six or seven inches of snow.

The tow truck only had one seat, so we ride to Wal-Mart in the back of the police cruiser. I thank the officer, pay for the tow, and schedule the tire replacement. My wife is late for work (she called them when we had the blowout, but still), so she calls a taxi and heads off.

Three and a half hours and three hundred dollars later, we have two new tires. And our spare is completely ruined, so I've got to call around a few junkyards to see if I can get a wheel for my car so that I can get a full-sized spare instead of the piece of s*** donut spare that blew out.
_________________
Surely all art is the result of one’s having been in danger, of having gone through an experience all the way to the end, where no one can go any further.

I will have the gardeners come to me and recite many flowers, and in their small melodious names I will bring back some remnant of the hundred fragrances.

[Confessions]

Bob,

What do you do when the world ends? Nothing. Just like last year, I can't allow myself to sink into misery, not quite yet. The week ahead is extremely busy, and it's important stuff. Just because it seems like there's no point to anything anymore, doesn't mean I don't need to take care of my future. Things WILL get better. I have to believe that. I can't see how, but then again it was the same way last time the world ended.

Although this crisis is brought on by a different kind of betrayal. Last time I was betrayed by an institution; it was cold and impersonal and I could blame bureaucracy, I could go all Orwell on them, "all systems are corrupt" and everything.

This time, I was betrayed by individual people, one after the other, three times in the past six weeks, in order of increasing difficulty. I am hoping that the very last betrayal- the one that really got to me- will turn out to be just a big long distance misunderstanding. Then I'd have things to hope for. I could keep believing that some things don't change, that my place in the world is still my own.

If not, it's the end of everything.
_________________
The password is "guilty"

[Confessions]

Dear Bob,

I've been very bad. I'll do better.
_________________
The password is "guilty"

[zeroguy]

(not about pweb)

I made a minor leap of faith today with a group of people I don't really trust. And for some reason I try it with the person who's lowest on the trust-meter but still high enough for me to do this, apparently. Why did I not go with those I trust the most, first? Because I am dumb.

I do hope this doesn't come back to bite me. My paranoia sometimes has a habit of proving itself useful/correct at some of the worst times.
_________________
Proud member of the Canadian Alliance.

And what became of cat and hare?
Did they break free to purer air?

[daPyr0x]

So, Bob,

I spent last night hanging out with my siblings, as many of my weekends go. During the evening, my one sibling (whose house we were at) had a neighbor drop by unexpectedly and stick around for a few hours with us. It was rather clear to me from the moment she walked in that there was a very specific reason she was there, and that he was it. I'd met her once before, and needless to say he knew her slightly better than that - but not much, so a lot of our conversation was "getting to know each other." I couldn't help but feel like a total f****** loser when she asked what else we did and my answer was music. Not that being in to music makes me a loser, just that it's not "doing" much of anything, and my brother's answer of reading and writing held much more interest with her. I couldn't help but feel like a total f****** loser when she questioned why I drive 2 hours each way almost every weekend to hang out there. Not when my explanation is "I'm incapable of making new friends, so it's just easier to hang out with family." Prior to seeing her last night I was wholly unattracted to her (now she looks better, but I'm still not attracted to her personality); but I still can't help but feel jealous of my brother because she was in to him.

Oh yeah, it didn't help that she brought up a situation from the last time I had seen her, somebody had mentioned they thought my brother and I were gay. Her response, "well, Adam couldn't be, but I'd believe him," wasn't exactly the most encouraging thing I've heard from a woman. Despite her bringing it up to say "I never thought either of you were gay, it was them;" her and I both know she thinks I'm a big f****** faggot. Oooh, yeah, I dropped that word. Don't like it? Too f****** bad, I've been getting told I am one for my whole f****** life, I have as much right to use it as black people do the "N" word. Just because the word as used towards me was not an insult to my sexual orientation but rather to emasculate me doesn't mean it wasn't offensive and I can't "take it back."

God, I really have nothing to offer, do I? I mean, I know I have some desirable qualities about me, don't get me wrong. But, I mean, I'm f****** boring. I'm bored of my own life. Oo, yay, I can offer them a place in that! I feel doomed, Bob. f****** doomed. Because I've known this for a long time now and no matter how hard I try, no matter what crazy life experiences I put myself through to try and improve, I go f****** nowhere. I'm not allowed to, that doesn't jive with the universe's "if I'm excited for a future event, it mustn't happen," rule for me. I keep making the most conscious of efforts to bring new angles into my life, and they just, don't work.

I feel like a supercondensed ball of emotional energy. I am ready to explode, either to tears or violence (or both?) at a moment's notice, though I keep tabs on that. I'm not happy, Bob. I'm not happy with my life, where it's going, where it's been, none of it. I've been trying to change and I don't know how. I don't know what to change. I don't know if I can. Maybe I should be doing music, following that, we all know that's my love. I just...I don't think I can take that failure. I can fail at a lot of things and get over it (hell, I do often enough), but that's not one of them.

Just enough to get by. That's all I'm capable of, according to the universe. Just enough to keep me on the ledge.
_________________
Stop trying to be perfect. Focus on being you; perfect will come.

[Eddie Pinz]

Bob,

I just want to get away for like a week. Get away from my friends, get away from my family. Just away. I wouldn't mind some company on the trip, but I am just annoyed at everyone right now. Hence why I need to get away. I also feel weird just taking a trip by myself. I don't know. I'm just in a funk right now.

[perspicacious.emperor]

Who ever said stars are easier to see in the city is a liar. I can only see that orange haze in the horizon.

[Hi I'm Billy Mays
Here to share with you
The most important product I have ever endorse...]
Autotune is pro.

If only I was proficient in autotune and lsdj, then my life will be set.
_________________
"Is that one piece?"
"No, it's Hunter X Hunter."
"I meant your sweater."

[Mich]

[Jeesh_girl15]

Dear Bob.

Frustration! My sister is being annoying... Like really annoying. I'm babysitting her, and she's being so disrespectful! Then, she goes and spills her milk, and she's refusing to eat the last two bites of her meal...I love kids and all, but sometimes it's just not fun.
_________________
I am totally and completely myself. I admit. I'm clumsy. I'm sarcastic. I'm dense. I'm a smarty pants know it all. I'm a dork. I'm overly competitive. I'm a bit selfish. But I'll also admit that I'm a good friend. I'm a devote Catholic. I'm compassionate. I'm ambitious. I intend to help others. And that's all part of being myself.

[Eddie Pinz]

Dear Bob,

The Ex that got married like a month after we broke up, just ended it with her husband. A very small part of me wants to be happy because she gave a good thing to marry a douchebag. But I just kind of pity her. I mean they weren't even really married a whole year. He lived in Texas, she still lived in Philly. They got married, she moved down there. A couple months later he was deployed and she moved back. He came back to Texas, she was still here. She went down right before Christmas, was down there until a week or two ago. Now they are both back and they are done. I just feel bad because she kind of turned her back on all of her friends for what amounted to very little. She gave up her job. Now she is back home, alone and unemployed. I also worry about her because she isn't the most stable person. I kind of just want to drop her a line and make sure she is not doing anything stupid. But last time the littlest bit of communication opened up, it led to where it always leads with any of my exes. I am worried, so I guess I still care on some level, which is not a very good thing I suppose.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

I don't want to get too serious; my beliefs about God are messy at best but let's just say there's something in me that tends to believe in something bigger than myself. That is what I'm referencing when I say the Universe wanted me to have a good day today. Really, I can't complain about the past few weeks but I'm focusing on today.

My bike ride into work felt smooth, less painful, less like work than it has these past few weeks. I was sweating up a storm by the time I got to work but the exhaustion wasn't as bad as it had been.

While doing the in-transits, I stumbled across this book...which brought out my inner 12 year old boy but it made me laugh. Consider me properly ashamed.

Then, when things started to get hectic, I walked into the back circ office to drop some newly returned books off to be shelved and was just in time to hear a clip of my favorite moment of Train's radio single, "Hey, Soul Sister," in which this very white guy declares that he is so gangster, he's so thug.

Best of all was the ride home.

I don't know, I hate to jinx things but life has been pretty pleasant in 2010.
_________________
~The best way to make it through with hearts and wrists intact is to realize two outta three aint bad-I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke~

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

I am discouraged, overwhelmed, and annoyed.

Me
_________________
"And indeed there will be time...
Time for you, and time for me
And time yet for a hundred indecisions
And for a hundred visions and revisions"
~~T.S. Eliot

[Eaquae Legit]

*hugs to Kirsten and Ed*


Alea, a friend and I have determined that 2009 was a sort of s***** year, and we've determined this one to be an annus mirabilis. I hope the same goes for you!
_________________
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII

Member since 04:56 Feb. 04, 2002.

[Jayelle]

Bob,


Waiting sucks. Our lives are about to change majorly. Paul has applied at ten different schools for his PhD and now we're waiting to hear back. We have no idea where we'll be moving. It sucks so much. I have no clue if I'll be able to find a job when we move. It would be great if he got into one of the schools where we have friends and family nearby, but who knows?
It's so stressful waiting on rejection/acceptance letters and praying that at least ONE school accepts us.

jl
_________________
One Duck to rule them all...

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[LilBee91]

Hey Bob,
I'm not happy today, and I don't like it. I don't like that I already have to make decisions about jobs this summer and my apartment for next year. I can't do everything I'd hoped to, and that means I'm going to let people down, and I really hate do that. I hate fighting with my friends and having no one to talk to. And my brain really can't process physics right now.
I have to agree with my roommate--I really just want a hug from my daddy right now.
Meh.
_________________
I used to hate gravity because it would not let me fly. Now I realize it is gravity that lets me stand.

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

[human.]

Bob...

My computer just died..

Like, it won't charge.. it won't turn on..

Tomorrow is my boyfriend's birthday, Bob. Bob, I need my computer for that... This is so not good. On top of that, my calculus homework was saved on that, so I have to start over. My English satire that's due this week was saved on it... I don't need this right now...

My friend drunkenly confessed that he thinks he's in love with me tonight... I haven't even talked with him in the last few weeks. And then he said he didn't want to ever talk to me again.. This is deja vu, I swear. Promising to be there for the people I care about seems to make me lose friends.

Everything was just starting to pick up again.. I've brought up all of my grades.. I reestablished contact with my friend that will hopefully last.. I haven't had a major fight with Tom in a while.. I spent time with three different friends this weekend, which is surprising because I didn't know that three people would want to do that with me.. I made more than one less enemy in the past few weeks..

And now I'm procrastinating from starting calculus over again.. Just one page.. that's all.. But I don't want to start my satire over.. and I don't want to stay up until four reading for my government quiz tomorrow..

But today (tomorrow?) is going to be a good day, and through it all, I'm happy because this is the third birthday I've known him, and the second while we've been together. It's comforting. Though I still feel slightly helpless without my computer.. At least there's the netbook..

Anyway.. Thank you for hearing me out, Bob. I just needed to vent...
human.

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

On Friday, I wrote an entire report. Tied up all loose ends, did the time sheet, and am just waiting for it to return from my supervisor. On Saturday, I completed the vast bulk of my notes from last week. (Note: the only unfinished notes were from the previous week, not the previous month.) When I came in to work today, I only had two notes to finish -- which I had left on purpose because I needed to look at handwritten notes that were in my office. During the Super Bowl, I wrote the vast majority of another report, and worked on my dissertation. (I did look up just in time to catch that awesome interception. And I ate appropriate Super Bowl food during halftime.)

Also, my office is completely organized. Completely. And all my paperwork from the outlying clinic I go to is on the desk of the people who need it. Plus, my closet is completely cleaned and the clothes that need washing are in appropriate laundry baskets and not on the floor. And the vanity counter in the bedroom is kind of beautiful to behold. I wish I'd taken before and after pictures.

So, I'm overall feeling pretty damn good about starting the stimulants. As are other people in my life, I get the feeling.

It's nice to see my good intentions actually getting borne out in my actions. I'm still cleaning up the crap I put off when my brain was not getting anything that it needed, and that's gonna be a painful process, but once I get that done I think the future will be brighter. And easier. And more enjoyable.

(Still not moving on the wedding planning. But, hey, I can't do everything. I'll get there.)
_________________
"And indeed there will be time...
Time for you, and time for me
And time yet for a hundred indecisions
And for a hundred visions and revisions"
~~T.S. Eliot

[Peterlover14]

Dear Bob,

I'm not interested. It's really nothing personal, but I am determined to get the reputation of saying no to every guy who asks me out through all of high school. I'm perfectly fine by myself. You, nor anybody else who thinks I'm mad for doing this should try to stop me. You haven't tried to officialy ask me out, and I'm really hoping it stay that way.

Best of luck finding a date to Military ball.

-Pl14
_________________
"There's only one thing that will make them stop hating you. And that's being so good at what you do that they can't ignore you." - Graff

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

Although it was comforting to read that Steph also had a less than ideal time in college, that thread is more evidence in my mind that I am abnormal, even for a shy/introverted/dorky person. I am in a subset of a subset, weird for even a weirdo. I don't do things the way other people do them, I don't act or think the way they do, either. I'm certainly not received the way others are.

I can find happiness in my own little bubble, in my own little world, and especially in my own head -and this is precisely what I've been doing so far this year- but when I venture too far into the world, I feel like some sort of sideshow circus freak. Weren't these feelings supposed to go away in high school? My first therapist seemed to think I was well within the range of human normalcy, insofar as there is normalcy, so why is it I don't feel as though I fit in with anyone else?
_________________
~The best way to make it through with hearts and wrists intact is to realize two outta three aint bad-I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke~

[Jeesh_girl15]

Dear Bob,

Epic fail. I mean EPIC fail. So, it's a snow day here, and I decide to go out with my family and my neighbor. We decide after a few sleds down our hill to try and make a gigantic snowball by rolling some snow all the way down our street. we got about halfway down the hill part (which is less than half of our street, so we only rolled about a fourth of the way) when the snowball was to big for us to move at all. So, we spent about 45 minutes trying to move it in numerous ways, and it didn't move an inch... I admit, we left it up there... I'm worried that we'll get in trouble now... Uh-ohhh

I'm wet right now to add to my misery.
_________________
I am totally and completely myself. I admit. I'm clumsy. I'm sarcastic. I'm dense. I'm a smarty pants know it all. I'm a dork. I'm overly competitive. I'm a bit selfish. But I'll also admit that I'm a good friend. I'm a devote Catholic. I'm compassionate. I'm ambitious. I intend to help others. And that's all part of being myself.

[Confessions]

Bob,

I always thought I was fairly level headed and sane. Now, considering the present company I've kept over the last year, I am sort of thinking that my assessment of myself was based on hanging out with a lot of crazy people for most of my life, and being the least crazy of them.

I think I need some sort of help. I've got issues in my head I didn't ever want to know were there. Now they're there, and I don't want to hurt people important to me by not dealing with them. I hide it really well. I think they all think I'm normal. They are so so wrong. When incredibly drastic action seems rational when I think things won't go my way, something is wrong. And there's a temptation to let a lot of crazy out to drive people away, I've seen friends use it before and know its really effective. it's scary to have the same thoughts rationalizing behavior like that as a good thing.

I'm supposed to be the one that isn't crazy, the one that tells my friends they need help even if they don't want to hear it. Now I'm the one that wants to hear it and I'm the only one telling it to myself. I feel really alone, "Big damn failure in every way" would be the six word novel that sums up my entire life. Not very pretty, but that's what I think of what life has been for me.

Also, sane people are scary, I never knew I was so unlike them.
_________________
The password is "guilty"

[Sonikku13]

Dear uh... whoever you are.

I'm happy, for once. 3rd in math team, and I'm very much likely headed to state. Next things to wait for, 2/17 Ender's Game: Command School 5, 2/24 AMC 12, and 3/8 State meet.
_________________
TG M203 Bunker, PFC, 1st Corps, CoD Division, PC Brigade, 1st BTN, Chungking (ST) Squad, SM

I've had 71 nukes on MW2.

I have Asperger Syndrome (I was diagnosed at birth). It's categorized as a "disability".

[Jayelle]

Bob,

Rejection letter #1. We will not be moving to Montreal.

Let's hope this isn't a trend.

JL
_________________
One Duck to rule them all...

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[zeroguy]

[Jeesh_girl15]

Dear Bob,

So like I posted earlier, we left the giant snowball up there. Well, after dinner, we went back up, and found that our neighbors had moved it to the curb so it wasn't in the middle of the road. We talked to the neighbors a bit, threw some snow, then finished making a snowman! It was the biggest awesomest snowman I've ever made. It was fun.
_________________
I am totally and completely myself. I admit. I'm clumsy. I'm sarcastic. I'm dense. I'm a smarty pants know it all. I'm a dork. I'm overly competitive. I'm a bit selfish. But I'll also admit that I'm a good friend. I'm a devote Catholic. I'm compassionate. I'm ambitious. I intend to help others. And that's all part of being myself.

[Mich]

Dear Bob, have I got an aggravating computer problem:

Just before Christmas, white horizontal lines appeared across my laptop screen. They are one pixel thick and one pixel apart. You almost can't see them on the far left side but they make reading text and seeing images impossible or really hard on the far right side. I found I could get rid of them by pressing on the upper-left corner, or thereabouts, of the frame, and sometimes they would go away for hours or days at a time. "What an odd problem," thought I, "as I have always been very careful with this computer, and haven't dropped it or anything to precipitate this obvious hardware malfunction."

The problem recently got worse. Instead of just lines, now they screen freezes unless I'm pressing up there, or it duplicates and spins like a poor TV signal or it starts graying out to white. This is the worst conclusion for this problem. Warranty better cover me. I wrote to Asus, which apparently they prefer, but if they haven't responded by tomorrow I'm calling.

I have a senior project that needs to be finished by the 24th! I'm the only one who understands the code behind it! Graaaaaaa!
_________________
Totally Under-Rated Turtle-Like Entity

[Yebra]

Dear Bob,

Is it just me or is someone getting closer?
_________________
Yebra: A cross between a zebra and something that fancied a zebra.