Postby Gravity Defier » Sun Feb 26, 2012 9:41 pm
I'm not quite sure how to start this post, or even what I hope to get out of posting it, other than a sense of relief, maybe.
I like my boy. Quite a bit. A whole heaping bunch. A hell of a lot. I'm also probably the most emotionally stunted adult female I know because "like" is not really the brunt of it and I'm too much of a chickenshit to say what I actually mean. He knows this, I've kind of danced around the point, so it won't be a surprise if I hint at it here, too. Part of me not wanting to say it now is because I'd rather do it in person. I really wish Janelle was here right now because we had a silly inside joke when more or less this same thing happened to a Pwebber about, oh, 8 years ago. She could laugh with (and at) me and I could tell her it's only stupid when it's not you.
Part of it is just plain old fear at being the first one to say it (though I don't want to not be the first one to say it); I've never been in that position before and I kind of want to be. I don't think I'd care if I was the only one to say it, at least not for a while, though after a point, if it wasn't returned, that would suck. Part of it is stupid...stupidity. "If I say it once, I have to keep saying it. All the time. Then I'll be drawing attention to the fact that I like him a lot over and over again. That's embarrassing." Yeah, that makes no sense to me, either. It's this weird, "Now that I have you, I'm going to act like I'm above being all mushy." I'm not, though. I'm mushy! I think sugary, sappy, gag-me that's corny stuff all the damn time. It's just kind of unnatural feeling.
Being treated nicely by a boy is so utterly bizarre.
I was supposed to see him this upcoming weekend but I ruined that. He mentioned friends of his being in town (not that I'd have to hang out with them the whole time or even most of it, not that he didn't want me to come because of that, just that friends were going to be around) and I panicked. My last experience with this involved waking up to a note that stated, more or less, that "My friends asked me to leave you behind; they don't want to hang out with you and I want to hang out with them. Food in the fridge if you're hungry." They hated me. I was/am scared zero's friends will be the same, if/when I ever meet them. So I canceled my trip up there and rescheduled for later. I then spent the next day in a funk, wondering what was wrong with me and why couldn't I be a different/better person. I wondered what I'd do if it turns out his friends do hate me. And most of all, now I'm a little sad I have to go even longer before seeing him again.
I'm not good at this relationship stuff. I had the foresight to talk to zero about all this before I posted it but beyond that, I don't really know what I'm doing.
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.